Humour - Rules of Acquisiton

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BELIEFS
They are from StarTrek that was particularly highlighted in Deep Space 9. Their religion is commerce and their society is determined by profit.

They believe that the universe is held together by the Great Material Continuum, also known as the Great River. They also believe that each part of the universe has too much of one thing, but not enough of another. If you navigate the Great River with sufficient entrepreneural skill then the balance of wants and needs can be fulfilled.

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RULES OF ACQUISITION

	From	(*)
1	Once you have their money, never give it back	1
2	You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try	2

3	Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to	3
4	Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough	4

5	If you can't break a contract, bend it	5
6	Never let family stand in the way of opportunity	6

7	Always keep you ears open	7
8	Keep count of your change	8

9	Instinct plus opportunity equals profit	9
10	A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one	10

11	Latinum isn't the only thing that shines	11
12	Anything worth selling is worth selling twice	12

13	Anything worth doing is worth doing for money	13
14	Anything stolen is pure profit	14

15	Acting stupid is often smart	15
16	A deal is a deal ... until a better one comes along	16

17	A bargain usually isn't	17
18	A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all	18

19	Don't lie too soon after a promotion	19
20	When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat	20

21	Never place friend ship before profit	21
22	Wise men can hear profit in the wind	22

23	Never take the last coin, but be sure to get the rest	23
24	Never ask when you can take	24

25	Fear makes a good business partner	25
26	The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it	26

27	The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down	27
28	Morality is always defined by those in power	28

29	When someone says "It's not the money," they're lying	29
30	Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money	30

31	Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother	31
32	Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects	32

33	It never hurts to suck up to the boss	33
34	War is good for business	34

35	Peace is good for business	35
36	Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore	36

37	You can always buy back a lost reputation	37
38	Free advertising is cheap	38

39	Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers	39
40	If you see profit on a journey, take it	40

41	Money talks, but having a lots of it gets more attention	41
42	Only negotiate when you are certain to profit	42

43	Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon	43
44	Never argue with a loaded phaser	44

45	Profit has limits. Loss has none	45
46	Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person	46

47	Never trust a man wearing a better suit than you own	47
48	The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife	48

49	Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent	49
50	Never bluff a Klingon	50

51	Never admit a mistake if there's someone else to blame	51
52	Only Bugsy could have built Las Vegas	52

53	Sell first; ask questions later	53
54	Never buy anything you can't sell	54

55	Always sell at the highest possible profit	55
56	Pursue profit; women come later	56

57	Good customers are almost as rare as Latinum - treasure them	57
58	Friendship is seldom cheap	58

59	Fee advice is never cheap	59
60	Never use Latinum where your words will do	60

61	Never buy what can be stolen	61
62	The riskier the road, the greater the profit	62

63	Power without profit is like a ship without an engine	63
64	Don't talk shop; talk shopping	64

65	Don't talk ship; talk shipping	65
66	Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it	66

67	Enough is never enough	67
68	Compassion is no substitute for a profit	68

69	You could afford your ship without your government - if it weren't for your government	69
70	Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise	70

71	Gamble and trade have two things in common: risk and Latinum	71
72	Never let the competition know, what you're thinking	72

73	Never trust advice from a dying Ferengi; listen but don't trust	73
74	A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all	74

75	Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum	75
76	Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies	76

77	Go where no Ferengi has gone before; where there is no reputation there is profit	77
78	Don't discriminate. The most unlikely species can create the best customers	78

79	Benefit from the Vulcan greed for knowledge	79
80	If it works, sell it. If it works well, sell it for more. If it doesn't work, quadruple the price and sell it as an antique	80

81	There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman	81
82	A smart customer is not a good customer	82

83	Revenge is profitless	83
84	She can touch your ears but never your Latinum	84

85	Death takes no bribes	85
86	A wife is a luxury, a smart accountant a necessity	86

87	Trust is the biggest liability of all	87
88	When the boss comes to dinner, it never hurts to have the wife wear something	88

89	Latinum lasts longer than lust	89
90	Mine is better than ours	90

91	He who drinks fast pays slow	91
92	Never confuse wisdom with luck	92

93	He's a fool who makes his doctor his heir	93
94	Beware of small expenses: a small leak will kill a ship	94

95	Important, more impotant, Latinum	95
96	Faith moves mountains - of inventory	96

97	If you would keep a secret from an enemy, don't tell it to a friend	97
98	Profit is the better part of valor	98

99	Never trust a wise man	99
100	Everything that has no owner, needs one	100

101	Never do something you can make someone do for you	101
102	Nature decays, but Latinum lasts forever	102

103	Sleep can interfere with opportunity	103
104	Money is never made. It is merely won or lost	104

105	Wise men don't lie, they just bend the truth	105
106	There is no honor in poverty	106

107	Win or lose, there's always Huyperian Beetle Snuff	107
108	A woman wearing clothes is like a man without profit	108

109	Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack	109
110	Only a fool passes up a business opportunity	110

111	Treat people in your debt like family ... exploit them	111
112	Never sleep with the boss's wife unless you pay him first	112

113	Never sleep with the boss's sister	113
114	Small print lead to large risk	114

115	Greed is eternal	115
116	There's always a way out	116

117	If the profit seems too good to be true, it usually is	117
118	Never cheat a honest man offering a decent price	118

119	Buy, sell, or get out of the way	119
120	Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum	120

121	Everything is for sale, even friendship	121
122	As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer	122

123	A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer	123
124	Friendship is temporary, profit is forever	124

125	A lie isn't a lie until someone else knows the truth	125
126	A lie isn't a lie, it's just the truth seen from a different point of view	126

127	Gratitude can bring on generosity	127
128	Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races	128

129	Never trust your customers	129
130	Never trust a beneficiary	130

131	If it gets you profit, sell your own mother	131
132	The flimsier the produce, the higher the price	132

133	Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet ... sometimes good things come in small packages	133
134	There's always a catch	134

135	The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it	135
136	The sharp knife cuts quickly. Act without delay!	136

137	Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is the father	137
138	Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder	138

139	Wives serve; brother inherit	139
140	The answer to quick and easy profit is: buy for less, sell for more	140

141	Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive. Fair play and financial loss go hand-in-hand	141
142	A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves	142

143	The family of Fools is ancient	143
144	There's nothing wrong with charity ... as long as it winds up in your pocket	144

145	Always ask for the costs first	145
146	If possible sell neither the sizzle nor the steak, but the Elphasian wheat germ	146

147	New customers are like razor toothed gree worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back	147
148	Opportunity waits for no one	148

149	Females and finances don't mix	149
150	Make your shop easy to find	150

151	Sometimes, what you get free costs entirely too much	151
152	Ask not what your profits can do for you; ask what you can do for your profits	152

153	You can't free a fish from water	153
154	The difference between manure and Latinum is commerece	154

155	What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too	155
156	Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit	156

157	You are surrounded by opportunities; you just have to know where to look	157
158	Don't pay until you have the goods	158

159	The customer is always right ... until you have their cash	159
160	Respect is good, Latinum is better	160

161	Never kill a customer, unless you make more profit out of his death than out of his life	161
162	His money is only your's when he can't get it back	162

163	A thirsty customer is good for profit, a drunk one isn't	163
164	Never spend your own money when you can spend someone elses	164

165	Never allow one's culture's law to get in the way of a universal goal: profit	165
166	Never give away for free what can be sold	166

167	If a deal is fairly and lawfully made, then seeking revenge especially unprofitable revenge, is illegal	167
168	Beware of relatives bearing gifts	168

169	If you're going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable	169
170	Never gamble with an empath	170

171	Time is Latinum. The early Ferengi get the Latinum	171
172	If you can sell it, don't hsitate to steal it	172

173	A piece of Latinum in the hand is worth two in a customer's pocket	173
174	Share and perish	174

175	When everything fails - run	175
176	Ferengi's don't give promotional gifts!	176

177	Know your enemies ... but do business with them always	177
178	The world is a stage - don't forget to demand admission	178

179	Whenever you think that things can't get worse, the FCA will be knocking on you door	179
180	Never offer a confession when a bribe will do	180

181	Even dishonesty can't tarnish the glow of Latinum	181
182	Whenever you're being asked if you are god, the right answer is YES	182

183	Genius without opportunity is like Latinum in the mine	183
184	There are three things you must not talk to aliens: sex, religion and taxes	184

185	If you want to ruin yourself there are three known ways: Gambling is the fastest, women are the sweetest, and banks are the most reliable way	185
186	There are two things that will catch up with you for sure: death and taxes	186

187	If your dancing partner wants to lead at all costs, let her have her own way and ask another one to dance	187
188	Never bet on a race you haven't fixed	188

189	Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing	189
190	Drive your business or it will drive you	190

191	Let other keep their reputation. You keep their money	191
192	If the flushing isn't strong enough, use your brain and try the brush	192

193	Klingon women don't dance tango	193
194	It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door	194

195	Wounds heal, but debt is forever	195
196	Only give money to people you know you can steal from	196

197	Never trust your customers, especially if they are your relatives	197
198	Employees are the rungs on your ladder to success - don't hesitate to step on them	198

199	The secret of one person is another person's opportunity	199
200	A madman with Latinum means profit without return	200

201	The justification for profit is profit	201
202	a) A friend in need is a customer in the making, b) A friend in need means three times the profit	202

203	A Ferengi in need, will never do anything for free	203
204	When the Grand Nagus arrives to offer you a business opportunity, it's time to leave town until he's gone	204

205	When the customer dies, the money stops a-comin'	205
206	Fighting with Klingons is like gambling with Cardassians - it's good to have a friend around when you lose	206

207	Never trust a hardworking employee	207
208	Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer	208

209	Tell them what they want to hear	209
210	A wife, who is able to clean, saves the cleaning lady	210

211	In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator	211
212	If they accept your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much	212

213	Stay neutral in conflicts so that you can sell supplies to both sides	213
214	Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach	214

215	Instinct without opportunity is useless	215
216	Never take hospitality from someone worse off than yourself	216

217	Only pay for it if you are confronted with loaded phaser	217
218	Always know what you're buying	218

219	A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount	219
220	Profit is like a bed of roses - a few thorns are inevitable	220

221	Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes	221
222	Knowledge is Latinum. Love has finally become logical	222

223	Rich men don't come to buy; they come to take	223
224	Never throw anything away: It may be worth a lot of Latinum in some Stardate	224

225	Pride comes before a loss	225
226	Don't take your family for granted, only their Latinum	226

227	Loyalty can be bought ... and sold	227
228	All things come to those who wait, even Latinum	228

229	Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox	229
230	Manipulation may be a Ferengi's greatest tool, and liability	230

231	If you steal it, make sure it has a warranty	231
232	Life's no fair (How else would you turn a profit?)	232

233	Every dark cloud has a Latinum lining	233
234	Never deal with beggars; it's bad for profits	234

235	Don't trust anyone who trusts you	235
236	You can't buy fate	236

237	There's a sucker born every minute. Be sure you're the first to find each one	237
238	The truth will cost	238

239	Ambition knows no family	239
240	The higher you bid, the more customers you drive away	240

241	Never underestimate the inportance of the fist impression	241
242	More is good, all is better	242

243	If you got something nice to say, then SHOUT	243
244	If you can't sell it, sit on it, but never give it away	244

245	A warranty is valid only if they can find you	245
246	He that speaks ill of the wares will buy them	246

247	Never question luck	247
248	Celebrate when you are paid, not, when you are promised	248

249	Respect other culture's beliefs; they'll be more likely to give you money	249
250	A dead vendor doesn't demand money	250

251	Satisfaction is not guaranteed	251
252	Let the buyer beware	252

253	A contract without fine print is a fool's document	253
254	Anyone who can't tell a fake doesn't deserve the real thing	254

255	A warranty without loop-holes is a liability	255
256	Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer's stuck purse	256

257	Only fools negotiate with their own money	257
258	A Ferengi is only as important as the amount of Latinum he carries in his pockets	258

259	A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn't know	259
260	Gambling is like the way to power: The only way to win is to cheat, but don't get caught in the process	260

261	A wealthy man can afford everything except a conscience	261
262	No lobes, no profit	262

263	Never let a female in clothes cloud your sense of profit	263
264	It's not the size of your planet, but it's income, that matters	264

265	The fear of loss may be your greatest enemy or your best friend - choose wisely	265
266	A pair of good ears will ring dry a hundred tongues	266

267	Wish not so much to live Long, as to live well	267
268	a) When in doubt, lie, b) When in doubt, buy, c) When in doubt, demand more money, d) When in doubt, shoot them, take their money, run and blame someone else	268

269	Never purchase anything that has been promised to be valuable or go up in value	269
270	It's better to have gambled and lost than to never have gambled at all	270

271	There's many witty men whose brains can't line their pockets	271
272	The way to a Ferengi's heart is through his wallet	272

273	Always count their Latinum before selling anything	273
274	There is no profit in love; however, a strong heart is worth a few bars of Latinum on the open market. Keep it on ice	274

275	Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it	275
276	If at first you don't succeed, try to acquire again	276

277	Diamonds may be girl's best friend, but you can only buy the girl with Latinum	277
278	It's better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit	278

279	Never close a deal too soon after a female strokes your lobes	279
280	An empty bag can not stand upright	280

281	Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell	281
282	Business is like war; it's important to recognize the winner	282

283	Rules are always subject to change	283
284	Rules are always subject to interpretation	284

285	No good deed ever goes unpunished	285
286	When Morn leaves, it is all over	286


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